Your own bathroom and $27 million

That’s apparently what you get if you are abandoned by the spy who loved you. And married you. And then went back to Cuba. With the Ray Bans you bought him. As the New Times reports, Ana Margarita Martinez blames the Cuban government for her husband leaving her and somehow was awarded a $7 million default judgment by Miami-Dade Circuit Judge Alan Postman plus $20 million in punitive damages. And she feels absolutely entitled to the money: “Cuba has a debt with me. And Cuba has to pay it.”

Really, lady? You think you’ve got problems? Well, the Associate Dean is trying to get me to teach Evidence three days a week instead of giving me the two-day schedule I asked for. Since I only have to work at all because Cuba took my grandfathers’ stuff, by your logic Cuba should give me at least $80 million. Did I mention there’s been talk about my having to teach in the early morning?

To collect her “debt,” Martinez sued the charter companies who fly between the U.S. and Cuba, alleging that payments they make to a Cuban entity should be garnished to ease her pain. The charter companies removed the case to the SDFla, where the United States just filed a memo with The Chief saying that Martinez gave up her right to seek punitive damages and that she is not authorized to garnish anything anyway. It reads: “¿Que rayos se trae esta descarada?” Actually, los federales seem to be saying that furthering our foreign policy interests is more important than avenging a broken heart. Romance is dead in Washington.