Crazy Monday...

Sorry for the slow blogging, but I've been running around all day.  A Mizzou grad posted 17 things he learned in law school (via ATL), and it's pretty funny.  So enjoy until I can get back to the blog:

1. Walk, don’t run from the police. See Illinois v. Wardlow, 528 U.S. 119 (2000).


2. A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge. See DeMentas v. Estate of Tallas, 764 P.2d 628, 632 n.6 (Utah App. 1988) (quoting the “colorful, if occasionally irreverent” trial judge: “It’s hearsay, I agree, but it’s damn good hearsay, and I want to hear it.”).

3. A half-decent lawyer doesn’t belittle the judge’s hometown. See Smith v. Colonial Penn Ins. Co., 943 F. Supp. 782, 784 (S.D. Tex. 1996) (denying a motion to change venue: “Rather, Defendant will be pleased to discover that the highway is paved and lighted all the way to Galveston, and thanks to the efforts of this Court’s predecessor . . . the trip should be free of rustlers, hooligans, or vicious varmints of unsavory kind. Moreover, the speed limit was recently increased to seventy miles per hour on most of the road leading to Galveston, so Defendant should be able to hurtle to justice at lightning speed.”); see also id. at 784 n.2 (“Defendant will again be pleased to know that regular limousine service is available from Hobby Airport, even to the steps of this humble courthouse, which has got lights, indoor plummin’, ‘lectric doors, and all sorts of new stuff, almost like them big courthouses back East.”).

4. “The parties are advised to chill.” Mattel, Inc. v. MCA Records, Inc., 296 F.3d 894, 908 (9th Cir. 2002).

5. You have a First Amendment right to shake what your momma gave you. G.Q. Gentlemen’s Quarters v. City of Lake Ozark, 83 S.W.3d 98, 102-03 (Mo. App. W.D. 2002).

6. When your state supreme court disciplines you for the third time, it’s unwise to pay your fine out of your IOLTA account, especially if the check says it’s from your IOLTA account. Doing this tends to get you disciplined for the fourth time. In re Coleman, 295 S.W.3d 857, 862 (Mo. banc 2009).

7. Kanye West could probably teach family law at least as well as an adjunct. See KANYE WEST FEAT. JAMIE FOXX, Gold Digger, on LATE REGISTRATION (Roc-A-Fella 2005) (“If you ain’t no punk, holla ‘We want pre-nup! We want pre-nup!’ Yeah, it’s something that you need to have, ’cause when she leaves yo’ ass she gon’ leave with half.”).

8. Ditto for Jay-Z and criminal procedure. See JAY-Z, 99 Problems, on THE BLACK ALBUM (Roc-A-Fella 2003) (“Well my glove compartment is locked, so is the trunk in the back, and I know my rights so you gon’ need a warrant for that.”).[FN1]

9. Some cases are simple. See Denny v. Radar Industries, Inc., 184 N.W.2d 289 (Mich. App. 1970).

10. Criminal defendants tend to be idiots. See State v. Gaw, 285 S.W.3d 318, 320 (Mo. banc 2009) (After approaching Gaw’s vehicle, “Sgt. Frazier asked Gaw to give him his marijuana. Gaw reached into his pants pocket, pulled out a small baggie and handed it to the officer.” Gaw was then arrested.).

11. The bar exam is a test of minimum competency. It’s also the source of the phrase “lowering the bar.” See Miller v. Mo. Highway and Transp. Comm’n, 287 S.W.3d 671, 674 (Mo. banc 2009) (dismissing a worker’s compensation claim because, among other things, the only case supporting the plaintiff’s interpretation of the statute had been overruled by name and citation in the statute).

12. The area between Missouri and Colorado known as “kansas” [FN2] is a black hole where knowledge, hygiene, and genetic diversity go to die. I know this has little to do with law school, but I did come to appreciate this fact while getting my J.D., and I wanted to include this picture:

13. People litigate some really bizarre stuff. See Tulare Irrigation Dist. v. Lindsay-Strathmore Irrigation Dist., 45 P.2d 972, 1007 (Cal. 1935) (use of water by farmers to drown gophers not allowed in area with chronic water shortage).

14. Mark Twain once said, “In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made School Boards.” Boy was he right. See Justin D. Smith, Note, Hostile Takeover: The State of Missouri, the St. Louis School District, and the Struggle for Quality Education in the Inner-City, 74 MO. L. REV. 1143 (2009).

15. Some people don’t learn. Ever. See Glick v. Harris, 518 S.W.2d 227, 228 (Mo. App. W.D. 1974) (“We enter our judgment of dismissal of the appeals, but do not labor the reasons. Counsel for the appellants has had the benefit of our previous expressions and has felt the sanction of previous dismissals.”).

16. The Supreme Court of the United States only takes the biggest, most important questions facing our country. Like, “What is golf?” See PGA Tour, Inc. v. Martin, 532 U.S. 661, 700 (2001) (Scalia, J., dissenting).

17. Some case names were just made to be mocked. See Bath Junkie Branson, L.L.C. v. Bath Junkie, Inc., 528 F.3d 556 (8th Cir. 2008).

I’m sure there are other nuggets of knowledge I’ve missed, but this is most of it. And it beats the hell out of watching that Contracts video instead.

—————————————

[FN1] This is actually how I memorized compartment searches for the exam.

[FN2] For those of you who are not die-hard Mizzou fans, know that the ‘k’ in ‘kansas’ is not capitalized because ‘kansas’ is not a proper noun. And if we had our way, it probably wouldn’t be a noun at all. See wikipedia.org/Lawrence_Massacre.