Crazy Monday...

Sorry for the slow blogging, but I've been running around all day.  A Mizzou grad posted 17 things he learned in law school (via ATL), and it's pretty funny.  So enjoy until I can get back to the blog:

1. Walk, don’t run from the police. See Illinois v. Wardlow, 528 U.S. 119 (2000).


2. A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge. See DeMentas v. Estate of Tallas, 764 P.2d 628, 632 n.6 (Utah App. 1988) (quoting the “colorful, if occasionally irreverent” trial judge: “It’s hearsay, I agree, but it’s damn good hearsay, and I want to hear it.”).

3. A half-decent lawyer doesn’t belittle the judge’s hometown. See Smith v. Colonial Penn Ins. Co., 943 F. Supp. 782, 784 (S.D. Tex. 1996) (denying a motion to change venue: “Rather, Defendant will be pleased to discover that the highway is paved and lighted all the way to Galveston, and thanks to the efforts of this Court’s predecessor . . . the trip should be free of rustlers, hooligans, or vicious varmints of unsavory kind. Moreover, the speed limit was recently increased to seventy miles per hour on most of the road leading to Galveston, so Defendant should be able to hurtle to justice at lightning speed.”); see also id. at 784 n.2 (“Defendant will again be pleased to know that regular limousine service is available from Hobby Airport, even to the steps of this humble courthouse, which has got lights, indoor plummin’, ‘lectric doors, and all sorts of new stuff, almost like them big courthouses back East.”).

4. “The parties are advised to chill.” Mattel, Inc. v. MCA Records, Inc., 296 F.3d 894, 908 (9th Cir. 2002).

5. You have a First Amendment right to shake what your momma gave you. G.Q. Gentlemen’s Quarters v. City of Lake Ozark, 83 S.W.3d 98, 102-03 (Mo. App. W.D. 2002).

6. When your state supreme court disciplines you for the third time, it’s unwise to pay your fine out of your IOLTA account, especially if the check says it’s from your IOLTA account. Doing this tends to get you disciplined for the fourth time. In re Coleman, 295 S.W.3d 857, 862 (Mo. banc 2009).

7. Kanye West could probably teach family law at least as well as an adjunct. See KANYE WEST FEAT. JAMIE FOXX, Gold Digger, on LATE REGISTRATION (Roc-A-Fella 2005) (“If you ain’t no punk, holla ‘We want pre-nup! We want pre-nup!’ Yeah, it’s something that you need to have, ’cause when she leaves yo’ ass she gon’ leave with half.”).

8. Ditto for Jay-Z and criminal procedure. See JAY-Z, 99 Problems, on THE BLACK ALBUM (Roc-A-Fella 2003) (“Well my glove compartment is locked, so is the trunk in the back, and I know my rights so you gon’ need a warrant for that.”).[FN1]

9. Some cases are simple. See Denny v. Radar Industries, Inc., 184 N.W.2d 289 (Mich. App. 1970).

10. Criminal defendants tend to be idiots. See State v. Gaw, 285 S.W.3d 318, 320 (Mo. banc 2009) (After approaching Gaw’s vehicle, “Sgt. Frazier asked Gaw to give him his marijuana. Gaw reached into his pants pocket, pulled out a small baggie and handed it to the officer.” Gaw was then arrested.).

11. The bar exam is a test of minimum competency. It’s also the source of the phrase “lowering the bar.” See Miller v. Mo. Highway and Transp. Comm’n, 287 S.W.3d 671, 674 (Mo. banc 2009) (dismissing a worker’s compensation claim because, among other things, the only case supporting the plaintiff’s interpretation of the statute had been overruled by name and citation in the statute).

12. The area between Missouri and Colorado known as “kansas” [FN2] is a black hole where knowledge, hygiene, and genetic diversity go to die. I know this has little to do with law school, but I did come to appreciate this fact while getting my J.D., and I wanted to include this picture:

13. People litigate some really bizarre stuff. See Tulare Irrigation Dist. v. Lindsay-Strathmore Irrigation Dist., 45 P.2d 972, 1007 (Cal. 1935) (use of water by farmers to drown gophers not allowed in area with chronic water shortage).

14. Mark Twain once said, “In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made School Boards.” Boy was he right. See Justin D. Smith, Note, Hostile Takeover: The State of Missouri, the St. Louis School District, and the Struggle for Quality Education in the Inner-City, 74 MO. L. REV. 1143 (2009).

15. Some people don’t learn. Ever. See Glick v. Harris, 518 S.W.2d 227, 228 (Mo. App. W.D. 1974) (“We enter our judgment of dismissal of the appeals, but do not labor the reasons. Counsel for the appellants has had the benefit of our previous expressions and has felt the sanction of previous dismissals.”).

16. The Supreme Court of the United States only takes the biggest, most important questions facing our country. Like, “What is golf?” See PGA Tour, Inc. v. Martin, 532 U.S. 661, 700 (2001) (Scalia, J., dissenting).

17. Some case names were just made to be mocked. See Bath Junkie Branson, L.L.C. v. Bath Junkie, Inc., 528 F.3d 556 (8th Cir. 2008).

I’m sure there are other nuggets of knowledge I’ve missed, but this is most of it. And it beats the hell out of watching that Contracts video instead.

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[FN1] This is actually how I memorized compartment searches for the exam.

[FN2] For those of you who are not die-hard Mizzou fans, know that the ‘k’ in ‘kansas’ is not capitalized because ‘kansas’ is not a proper noun. And if we had our way, it probably wouldn’t be a noun at all. See wikipedia.org/Lawrence_Massacre.

Judge Gold to take senior status in January

I remember when Judge Gold was sworn in -- I was clerking for Judge Davis at the time.  All of the clerks were invited to the ceremony, which back then was held in the old courtyard and catered by Christy's.  Judge Gold made a point of introducing himself to all of the clerks; he was very nice. 

He quickly became known as one of the best, most respected judges in this District.  Luckily, he intends "to continue to render substantial judicial service as a senior judge." Gold also wished Obama "well in these challenging times."

What I appreciate about him is that he holds lawyers to the highest standards.  He believes that the profession is a noble one.  I also appreciate that he writes a number of opinions, probably the most in this District.  From orders on motions to suppress to sentencing orders, Judge Gold often writes -- which is rare in criminal cases in this District.  Accordingly, the parties who appear before him -- win or lose -- know that he has given a great deal of consideration to their issues. 

From the DBR:  Gold, who sits in Miami, was nominated by President Clinton in 1997 when U.S. District Judge Jose Gonzalez Jr. went on senior status. A graduate of Duke University law school, Gold served as a Miami-Dade prosecutor from 1971 to 1975 before going into private practice. He served as a Miami-Dade circuit judge from 1993 to 1997 before his nomination to the federal bench. *** The question is how long will it take to replace Gold. The Obama administration’s nominations have lagged in the U.S. Senate. U.S. District Judge Daniel T.K. Hurley in West Palm Beach took senior status in February 2009. Federal Defender Kathleen Williams was reported as the front-runner to replace him last December, and she is still awaiting confirmation.

Federal Sentencing Guidelines under attack by...

... Lindsay Lohan. 

She tweeted the following:

It is clearly stated in Article 5 of the U.N. Universal Declaration of Human Rights that...., "No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment." this was taken from an article by Erik Luna.. "November 1 marked the 15th anniversary of the U.S. Sentencing Guidelines. But there were no celebrations, parades, or other festivities in honor of this punishment scheme created by Congress and the U.S. Sentencing Commission... Instead, the day passed like most others during the last 15 years: Scores of federal defendants sentenced under a constitutionally perverted system that saps moral judgment through its mechanical rules."

Speaking of Federal Sentencing Guidelines -- Judge Cohn sentenced former Miramar Commissioner Fitzroy Salesman today to 51 months' imprisonment.  (Here's the Sun-Sentinel article).  The government had asked for 8-10 years.  In Judge Cohn's last big sentencing -- Scott Rothstein -- he went over the government's recommendation...  This time, he explained, Salesman's sentence should be in line with the other politicians caught in the scheme -- former School Board member Beverly Gallagher and former County Commissioner Josephus Eggelletion.  Sounds right. 

Pure Gold -- Uncle Luke's column in the New Times

In case you've missed it, Luther Campbell -- an original Miamian -- has been writing a column for the Miami New Times.  His last two are worth mentioning: 1.  "Elena Kagan helped 2 Live Crew and blacks so confirm her already" and 2. "Al Gore can get freaky now that Tipper's gone".

From the former, which references a case from the SDFLA:

In 1989, Broward County Sheriff Nick Navarro banned the sale of our album, As Nasty as They Wanna Be, and a federal judge backed him. We appealed. The next year, Kagan, who was working at a Washington, D.C. law firm, wrote a brief that argued the album "does not physically excite anyone who hears it, much less arouse a shameful and morbid sexual response." In other words, my homegirl Kagan was saying people could not be aroused by the lyrics "'cause my dick's on bone" or "me so horny, me fuck you long time." She realized these words did not meet the standard of appealing to prurient interests. She did a great job fighting on 2 Live Crew's behalf, which lets you know that Kagan is not easily swayed by public opinion or by politicians with their own hidden agendas.

SDFLA Blog Turns 5

It's been 5 years since we started the blog.  I actually forgot this year to do our annual birthday post.  The blog was started on July 4 weekend in 2005.  Here's the initial post where I asked that a Floridian get appointed to the Supreme Court.  Once that happens, I can retire the blog... 

We've had over 1 million page views since then and over 640,000 unique visits.  As a birthday present, I'm trying to update the blog's appearance.  Bear with me for the next few days as I play around with the settings.  Thanks to you all for all the tips, visits, etc.  It's been a fun first five years.